MAFS 2024: ‘Full of s**t’ husband mansplains women

Space-Separated Links URL URL URL URL Space-Separated Links URL URL URL URL Space-Separated Links url url url url url url url url url url url url url url url url url url url url url url url url


A Married At First Sight husband makes his wife prove she’s hot with a checklist on Wednesday night while another guy mansplains women and their annoying desire for children to his own wife who happens to be a woman who wants kids.

Elsewhere in the episode, everything is completely normal. A sex goddess is rejected by her sex-phobic husband. And a phony nerd lies about liking his wife just so he can stay on the show and hang out with the cool boys.

Yep, nothin’ strange here. Just another night on OnlyFreaks.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS:Read all the recaps here

It’s “confessions week” and the couples are completing tasks designed by the experts to inflame drama within their marriages. Tim and Sara are challenged to go through each other’s phones.

“I haven’t given you a reason not to trust me … so … what’s the point?” Sara snips.

Huh. You sound hesitant to hand over your phone, Sara. At first, we’re suspicious. But we try not to jump to conclusions. After all, she might just not want her husband to see her Google search history for embarrassing ointments.

“My concern is you’re talking to other guys,” Tim sighs.

But Sara refuses to budge. She’s not handing over her phone.

“What’s the point of trusting if we can’t just actually trust?” she says.

Ugh, philosophical! That should be a lyric in one of the songs on Taylor Swift’s upcoming album, The Tortured Poet’s Department.

Down the hall, the season’s most boring couple Ellie and Ben are doing the “values ranking” task, where they list all the qualities they’re looking for in a partner in order of importance.

For Ellie, it’s simple. She wants kids. So, her husband needs to be a family oriented guy who also wants children.

Ben, a wannabe podcaster, approaches the task with all the consideration and self-awareness of his idol Joe Rogan. He attempts to recite his list with flair, as if he’s giving us just a taste of his wildly entertaining broadcast ability.

“Number one: Chin wag. Havin’ a good conversation. Ya gotta be with ya bestie until the end of time. Maintaining good vibes with a healthy lifestyle is very important,” he rattles on.

The list continues: Financial stability. Good looks. Has money. Good in bed. Physical fitness. And way down the bottom of the list? A vague mention of family and kids.

Ellie is confused. She was under the impression Ben definitely wanted kids. If he doesn’t, then she’ll just leave now and unsubscribe from his amateur podcast.

He starts performing again.

“I’m very open to being with someone who doesn’t want children … but I’m also very much open to the possibility of having a family and having kids,” he says, before mocking her. “But it’s not (a case of) well, ‘I’lL hAvE cHilDreN wItH AnyBody! dOn’T cArE WhO iT iS! OH, tHeRe’S a MaN wItH a JoB Who’S gOt AlL hIs tEetH! ThAt’lL dO!’ If I met you at a pub — hey! How ya doin’?! You wanna have kids? — and I said I’m not open to havin’ kids, you’d probably walk.”

Benjamin, save this routine for your podcast that no one listens to.

“I’m not sure you’re understanding this at all,” Ellie says.

“I’m not sure why you’re upset,” he shrugs.

Ellie holds back tears. “I’m feeling like you’re not listening to me.”

Then, Ben says something a husband should never say during an argument. “I understand, you’re a very sensitive woman.”

He then starts mansplaining the concept of women wanting children.

“Obviously Ellie has a sensitive soul and this is a sensitive topic,” he states. “And that possibly really struck a nerve. It makes sense. She just wants to be a mum. It’s very common. Kids are very important for females, I understand.”

At this point, we zone out and his voice just starts sounding like the muffled warbles of Charlie Brown’s teacher. Wah wa wa wah wa wa.

Coincidentally, at this very moment, Lauren is down the hall doing the Hot Or Not challenge with her husband Jonathan. And she’s ranking Ben’s headshot dead last.

“I put Ben last because I think he’s full of shit,” she concludes. “I don’t believe anything he says when he speaks. I think he’s just here for attention.”

Case closed.

In a different suite at Trash Tower, Collins is doing everything in his power to stay on this show. He made it perfectly clear over the honeymoon that he’s not attracted to his wife Natalie, but he wants to remain on the program long enough to hang with the cool boys, so he will do whatever he needs to do. Even if that means lying in the legally binding Hot Or Not challenge. He ranks Natalie’s photo in first place above the other wives.

Natalie rolls her eyes.

“I do doubt what he says,” she tells us. “He starts to do that surface level performance.”

Collins, would you like to tell us about all the amazing qualities you find so fetching about your wife?

He stutters.

“Nat’s just a very … very … good-looking … lady?” he winces.

Convincing!

It’s almost as if the Hot Or Not challenge is designed exclusively to cause tension. You know who’ll handle it with maturity and respect? Jack!

“Looks are very important to me,” he grunts to his wife Tori when deciding where to rank her headshot. “You’re on par with a couple of other ladies. Do you agree that you’re the hottest?”

Tori stands her ground. “I would agree I’m the hottest, yeah”

Jack lays back and arches an eyebrow. “Why? Convince ya husband you’re the hottest. Why are you the hottest?”

Ugh, he’s hoping this ignites some kind of weird Fifty Shades Of Grey scenario! We’re so sick of watching him live out his BDSM fantasies on prime-time television.

Tori submits and provides a comprehensive checklist of her hottest qualities, as per her husband’s request.

“I think I’ve got great eyes, great brows. Good teeth. Good lips. Great tits. And my hair’s really soft. And I have cute little ears,” she says.

Jack scoffs. “If I didn’t find you super attractive, you’d be bummed.”

He’s toying with her, trying to make her insecure. Then he ranks her in first place. It goes against everything he said last week about not being attracted to her. Turns out, something may have changed his mind.

“You have nice big boobies,” he grunts.

Thanks, Jack. You’re a boob yourself.

Meanwhile, Byron hippie Lucinda is summoning the spirits and manifesting sex with her husband. He keeps rebuffing her affection and that just makes her want him more. It doesn’t matter that, earlier in the day, he revealed he’s just not really into sex. And she’s not even turned off by the fact he keeps mispronouncing the word “ask” as “arks”.

“My feelings have been hurt,” she tells him after the repeated rejections.

He shrugs. “I just don’t know how.”

“What are you doing to build romance or connection with me?” she ponders. “I’ve left a lot in your ball court.”

Yeah, Timothy. Now it’s time for you to put a ball … in her … court?

“Just give it some time,” he whines.

“But you just don’t like touch at all,” she says.

“Can we end this talk now?” he asks.

Or, should we say … “arks”.

Read related topics:James Weir Recaps