MAFS 2024 | James Weir recaps episode 3: Runaway groom quits own wedding

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An AWOL groom ditches his husband-to-be before the wedding on Wednesday’s Married At First Sight but the blind rejection is nowhere near as insulting as the snubbing that occurs when a nerdy girl gets fobbed off by a guy because he doesn’t seem to realise that he too is, in fact, a big nerd.

It’s a night of chaos. A runaway gay? Nerds with unwarranted attitude?

Australia is not ready for this.

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The episode opens with urgent scenes. Tense music thumps as expert John Aiken speeds through the city streets in the middle of the night. He’s on a mission. To quote Miss Clavel from Madeline: Something is not right.

The town car screeches to a halt. John leaps out and runs inside a block of apartments. Where’s Mel Schilling and Alessandra? We can only assume they’re caught in traffic. At the end of a dank hallway, John reaches a door and knocks firmly. Dogs howl.

The door creaks open. Through the crack, we see Michael: one of two gay grooms who are set to get married on the show this year.

John shoves past and strides into the living room.

“After the bucks’ and the hens’ night, your match decided to send us an email, saying he no longer wanted to be a part of the experiment,” John tells him.

So, the gay … ran away? He’s a runaway gay? Wow. Imagine all that hip swishing.

What do we know about the runaway gay? Well, he has a kid with a woman who he married in his twenties and his presence at the bucks’ night means we have a clear screenshot of his face to put on the WANTED posters that we’ve taken the liberty of gluing to telephone poles around Oxford Street:

Michael’s heartbroken.

“Just ripped my heart out of my chest,” he gasps.

John pledges to find him a new husband. Even if it means stealing a straight husband off one of the girl contestants and giving him to Michael.

Our next wedding for the evening involves a bride who the voiceover lady describes as “unique”. People use that word like it’s a complement but it never is.

“I’m the girl who loves video games and I used to do a lot of cosplay,” Natalie tells us, as photos slide across the screen showing her dressed in Lycra costumes at comic book conventions.

The self-described dork is paired with Collins, an executive assistant who has never been in a relationship before. He’s also a dork, but he doesn’t realise he’s a dork.

Case in point? At the wedding ceremony, he accidentally locks himself inside the limo:

Then, like a total dork, he forgets his wife’s name immediately after meeting her.

“That’s a … good lady. That’s a … really good lady,” he tells us.

The producer interrupts. “ … Do you know that lady’s name?”

He laughs. “Nicky! Of course!”

… Who the heck is Nicky, ya big nerd?

The producer fumbles. “Wait … what’s your bride’s name?”

He scoffs. “Nicky! Isn’t it Nicky? No? What is it? Nicky? It is! No! What is … it is Nicky, isn’t it? No? Oh my god, it’s Natalie!”

Oh Collins, you dorky dork!

At the reception, it’s no surprise that the conversation turns to all things dork.

“Would you say you’re a bit of a dork?” Natalie asks her husband.

“Ahhh … A dork?” he winces in surprise. “Would you say you’re a dork?”

She beams. “Yeah!”

Collins turns to his groomsmen for reassurance. “Would you say I’m a dork? I don’t think I’m a dork, right?”

The groomsmen confirm Collins is, indeed, a dork.

Nicole squeals. “Oh my goodness! That’s so cute! He thinks he’s (cool)!”

Collins is offended. In his mind, he’s the jock in one of those really bad straight-to-DVD teen movies from the early 2000s.

“How are you feeling about Natalie?” producers prod Collins, who’s now clearly annoyed.

He’s of the belief that, instead of Married At First Sight, he has somehow found his way onto Beauty And The Geek and he’s the cool hot person who’s paired with the weird mathematician. We hate to break it to you, Collins, but this is not Beauty And The Geek. This is Geek And The Geek.

Natalie is completely unaware of how Collins is feeling. She’s too busy geeking out.

“I think I’ve met the man of my dreams!” she gushes, before surprising her new husband with matching his-and-hers necklaces that feature PlayStation remote control pendants. “I think we can be dorky together! Which makes me feel ooey-gooey inside!”

At the end of the night, they head back to the hotel and Collins insists on sleeping in separate beds to ensure Nicole’s dorkiness doesn’t rub off on him. And in the morning, like the cool dude he is, he lays down the law.

“Um, before we get going, I just wanted to have a chat with you,” he tells his wife. “I know it’s gonna take time for me … this feeling won’t be immediate. A real slow burn, day-by-day.”

Nicole pretends like everything’s OK before skipping off to the bedroom, where she secretly cries. Will this attempt to diffuse some of her intensity work? Collin’s quest to be a cool dude might just backfire. After all: treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen.

Catch ya on the flip side, nerds.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir

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