MAFS sex beast ‘didn’t wanna sleep with’ wife | James Weir recaps


Married At First Sight’s sex beast issues a blunt verdict regarding the unusual lack of horniness he feels towards his wife on Wednesday night and it’s more difficult to listen to than the amateur podcast being peddled by the latest contestant to enter the experiment.

It’s all so overwhelming. Tonight we have men whose libidos are turned off but whose microphones are turned on in their quest to be the next Joe Rogan.

Unsurprisingly, new figures from the Australian Bureau of Statistics have found guys holding up fish in their display pics on dating profiles have been overtaken by guys launching podcasts. Now, women everywhere are dreading six words: “Did you listen to my podcast?”

JAMES WEIR RECAPS:MAFS episode 3

Over in Vanuatu, producers are still setting Tori up for failure with Jack the sex beast.

“I’ve never been so aligned with someone in my life and there’s a spark and that’s great and I’m sure Jack’s the same!” she gushes to us.

ICYMI: Jack is not feeling the same. Last time we saw him, he made it very clear.

“We’re not sexually connected at all,” he grunted.

But producers aren’t satisfied with their torment. They organise a dinner and write a list of antagonistic questions for Tori and Jack to ask each other.

QUESTION: Are you attracted to me? Am I your type?

Tori launches into a giddy response.

“I am attracted to you, absolutely,” she praises. “You are pretty much cookie cutter what I asked for. I couldn’t ask for anything more. You absolutely fit the mould.”

Jack gulps. The stakes rise. Now it’s time to knock it all down.

QUESTION: “Do you feel any sexual chemistry with me?”

He describes their wedding day and how he felt when he first laid eyes on his bride.

“I wasn’t going, ‘Goddam! I wanna get this girl in bed!’” he tells her.

OK. That was said with all the elegance we’d expect from a sex beast.

Tori? How ya doin’, girl?

“I am a sexually driven guy,” Jack continues. “I’ve gotta be connected to my partner. And that takes time for me. … I have had moments where I do have that sexual spark instantly – I don’t think we had it straight away.”

Yep, she’s got the message loud and clear. Stop talking about how you don’t want to have sex with her.

“So it’s not the first thing on my mind,” he rambles on. “I didn’t even want to sleep with you (on the) first night (and) second night. It was not on my mind. I’m a fierce lover and I’m a very passionate lover. The stronger connection I can find with my partner, AKA you, the more sexually attracted I will be. That’s when we’ll be gettin’ it on.”

Tori tries to put an end to this conversation, AKA shit-storm. 

“OK, well, that concludes that,” she sips her pina colada.

Jack then attempts to lift his wife’s spirits with some hope for the future.

“If I’m not sleepin’ with you in six weeks’ time, something’s wrong, I tell ya that right now,” he grunts.

Um, thanks? Nothing’s sexier than a sex deadline. Producers should put an animated countdown clock in the corner of the TV screen.

On a different island, Lucinda the Byron hippie and Timothy the sad sack are also being strongarmed by producers into awkward sexual rejection.

“I’m very immersed in sexual exploration. I host Tantric sexual festivals,” Lucinda shares over dinner. She then asks her husband a perfectly normal question. “Are you a bit of a jackhammer?”

It’s the perfect segue into the producers’ inflammatory questionnaire.

QUESTION: “Do you feel any sexual chemistry with me?”

We know where this is heading. Timothy’s not keen.

“Um … It’s gotta grow for me,” he mumbles.

Lucinda takes in a deep meditative breath.

“You don’t have any sexual attraction to me?” she confirms.

This could be heartbreaking. But through the power of new-age wisdom, Lucinda manages to alter her perspective. This isn’t sexual rejection. It’s sexual opportunity. She can see positives looming in her crystal visions.

“Yes, at this point he’s not sexually attracted to me, but I’m not giving up,” she declares.

Back on the mainland, we meet the newest couple joining the experiment. Well, it’s actually more like a throuple: Ben, Ellie … and Ellie’s bitchy cousin Jordan.

“I can spot any kind of bullshit from a mile away,” Jordan purrs, like he’s a Real Housewife Of Whatever and he’s delivering his catchphrase for the opening credits.

Ellie’s a nurse. And Ben is a … ahhhh … we’ll let him explain it.

“I sorta do two things,” he says. “I’m a tour guide … and I do a podcast.”

Jordan rolls his eyes.

“Oh. You have a … podcast? How many subscribers do you have?”

Ben mumbles. “Not much.”

Jordan immediately decides Ben is only on this show to promote his podcast that no one has ever heard of.

“He could potentially be looking for fame,” Jordan sneers.

What?! A wannabe starlet signing up to Married At First Sight in a last-ditch attempt to find fame and fortune? That’s unbelievable!

Jordan knows what’s up. He drags Ben away and goes full Tracy Grimshaw on him.

“I have concerns you might just be here to promote your touring business, promote your podcast,” he says. “You’re just here for fame.”

Ben labels the accusation as lies and slander. He’s not in it for fame! Yes, he has applied to MAFS several times and reached the final stages of the audition process in 2021. And, yes, he has been approached about appearing on other shows. But apart from his years-long quest to get on television, he really has no interest in being in the public eye.

Jordan is not impressed.

“He wants to be a … podcast owner,” he snips.

We don’t know exactly what a podcast owner is, but it certainly doesn’t sound good.

Producers recruited Jordan to be the night’s antagonist and he has played the role wonderfully. He begins to giggle.

“Ok, I think that’s enough of me being a c**t,” he says.

It’s a kind of self-awareness that’s rarely seen on Married At First Sight.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir

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