An allegedly crazy ex-girlfriend ignites the first scandal of the season on Monday’s Married At First Sight when she outs the show’s sex beast for dumping her and lying about leaving the country only to wind up on the TV screen.
Unsurprisingly, this is not the first time one of the MAFS husbands has pretended to go overseas in order to escape a relationship. Lest we forget the fake international funeral of 2019.
Tonight, it all explodes at the first dinner party of the year where, as the voiceover lady says, “all our couples will come face-to-face for the first time and marriages will be judged by the entire group”. More importantly, they’ll be judged by us.
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On the day of the dinner party, everyone’s phones start pinging with text messages. A news article has been published. And it’s about one of the contestants. Huh. It’s almost as if this is all co-ordinated.
We go straight to the source.
“I turned my phone on in the morning and it was blowing up,” Jack grunts to us.
We’d like to ask him why on earth he turns his phone completely off at night instead of just putting it on silent like a normal person, but we don’t wish to bog down the story.
He continues with the anecdote. To quote that one-hit wonder band Nine Days, this is the story of a girl.
“This girl … just wants three seconds of fame,” Jack scoffs.
Ugh, can you imagine? Someone using this prestigious show to get three seconds of fame? Completely unheard of.
Anyway, rumour has it that Jack dumped this girl and told her he had to move overseas. But instead of going overseas, he signed up for this show. Now, she’s perturbed about being lied to. And he’s utterly surprised that she managed to somehow find out he’s on a national television program watched by millions of people.
“Basically the nuts and bolts of it are I entered a very casual, respectful relationship early on in the year,” he says. “It wasn’t serious, it was never long-term for me. And it’s a shame it’s gone like this. … People are gonna question my intention and character.”
Oh, Jack. You’re a PT from the Gold Coast with fake teeth and a top knot. We were always gonna question your intention and character.
Obviously, this rumour will make the perfect dinner party conversation topic for everyone to drunkenly argue over. And we’re keen to hear from only one person.
“I’m the nosiest bitch in the world. I wanna know everything about everyone,” Lauren slurs.
She stumbles into the warehouse and pushes the other contestants out of her path as she trots towards the bar.
“I need a f**kin’ drink, I’m so f**kin’ thirsty,” she yells to no one in particular.
But before she can skol her champagne and yank Jack’s ponytail, another drama starts to boil. It’s between the two nerds. As everyone makes their way into the dining room, Natalie and Collins disappear. They’re in the hallway, arguing. We eavesdrop.
“You were kinda sour … sitting on the couch,” Collins complains to his wife. “And then you kinda just … badmouthed our honeymoon.”
Well, Collins, she had every right to. The honeymoon was a stinker. You iced her out, built a gigantic pillow wall in bed and made it crystal clear you weren’t keen on her. To make matters worse, her misery was soundtracked with your fake laugh – HEH-HEH-HEH! Oh, and then you made her hike through the desert at midday even though she’s paler than Lauren’s left arm on her wedding day. She literally had to cower in your shadow to avoid being burnt to a crisp.
Natalie breaks down in tears and Collins comforts her by fake laughing.
“HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!” he chuckles over her sobs.
“I want to go home,” she declares.
Suddenly, Collins stops laughing.
“HEH-HEH-HEH … HUH?” he blurts.
She can’t go home! Because that means he too has to leave! There’s so much more he wants to accomplish. He still needs to convince Channel 9 execs to turn his weekly pub trivia hosting gig into a TV series! And he didn’t even get to hang with the cool boys yet!
But Natalie doesn’t care. She tells the group she’s leaving. And Collins tries to steal the spotlight by fake crying.
Resident sage Lauren offers some thoughtful advice.
“Collins, mate. Shut up,” she heckles.
Now the nerds have gone, we can hear from Jack as he tells us all about his fabulous overseas adventure!
“I’m just such a nosy bitch so this situation to me is just heroin — I LOVE IT,” Lauren froths about the pending drama.
Jack rolls up his sleeves, pins down his topknot and goes into damage control.
“It’s just all out of context,” he says, dismissing the gossip. “It was a casual, exclusive relationship … but very casual. She fell a little bit harder for me, a little bit quicker.”
On behalf of Australia, Lauren rolls her eyes.
While Jack continues talking about how crazy the ex is, his wife Tori sits in silence, picking food out of her teeth.
Jack says he tried to be a good, honest bloke by letting the desperado down easily.
“I tried to end it seven weeks ago,” he says, convinced this will make everything better.
We cut to the experts, who are sitting in the basement, watching the mess unfold on CCTV. According to them, Jack’s math ain’t mathing. Seven weeks ago? That means he would’ve started applying for this show while he was still dating the allegedly crazy girl.
Jack’s satisfied that he has successfully convinced everyone he’s the real victim here.
“It went really well,” tells us. “Nipped in the butt.”
It’s “bud”. And it is most certainly not nipped.
Lauren starts scolding Jack from across the table. We don’t really pay attention because we’re distracted by her habit of licking her lips, a la Tracey Jewel.
Everyone asks Jack’s wife Tori to blink twice if she’s OK.
“I’m absolutely happy,” she insists.
Yeah. You look totally thrilled, doll.
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